Catholic Catastrophe!
by Shadow Sanctuary
Summary: Two heathen millennium spirits in church? What could their bible-thumping hikaris be THINKING when they attempt to convert their yamis to Catholicism?!
1. Come to Church!

Come To Church!

"I'm not going in there."

"Just why not?" inquired the spiky-haired teen, not even bothering to hide the intense aggravation edging up in his voice.

Ruby eyes shifted uneasily to the side, attempting to avoid the face of a very upset hikari. "I can't. That's all there is to it." answered the taller male curtly, doing his best to evade a verbal confrontation. 

"You're going to have to come up with a better excuse than that."

"Well, it suits me just fine." 

Sighing in frustration, the petite adolescent said, "Now I _know _you're just stalling for time."

"No, really!" contradicted the Egyptian, somewhat hurt by the accusation that was made of him. "I'm telling you this won't work!"

Crossing his arms in front of himself, the younger individual raised an impatient eyebrow. "It's hotter than the Sahara Desert out here, we've only got five minutes to get inside and get seated, and you're acting like I'm trying to kill you by bringing here--"

"You _are_, though!" complained the ruler of the Nile, widening his garnet orbs to a startling degree. "That _must _be what you have in mind by doing this!"

"Exactly _where _did you get the idea that I'm up to something like that?"

"Because you brought me to some creepy looking sanctuary for undead creatures!" 

"It's a place for people to worship in peace and harmony." explained the gothic-haired boy, hoping his tolerance for illogical reasoning would hold out. "Everyone comes to wish love and happiness to each other."

"You mean in _that _old_,_ deteriorating building?" asked Pharaoh, absolutely mortified by the idea that _anyone_ would want to go out of their way to spend time at a location with a cemetery behind it. 

"You shouldn't refer to a holy setting like a run-down ghetto, Yami."

"I can't help the fact that it looks that way to me!"

"Well, you'd better grow to love it really fast," informed the shorter male, highly irritated by his best friend's behavior, "because we're going to be spending the next hour in there."

"No way, I--hey! Yugi, I said no already!"

Setting both of his hands on his alter ego's shoulders, the annoyed hikari shoved his comrade forward. Glancing at his watch, he winced at the digital display. They now had three minutes to get to where they were supposed to be, and Yugioh was hardly cooperating at all. Matter of fact, the millennium spirit was refusing to budge from his position on the pavement. Why? Out of all days, why did the king of games choose to chicken out on an important date like Sunday?

"Move it, Yami!" ordered the spiky-haired adolescent, pushing on his companion's frame with all of his might. "I didn't spend hours to drag you out of bed for nothing!"

"As far as I'm concerned, you did." the older individual shot back, wrestling against the weight of his friend. 

"Stop trying to make us late for mass!"

"But it reminds me of a mausoleum!" whined the Egyptian, hating their morning excursion with a passion. "There's probably zombies inside, waiting to pounce on me the moment I enter those double doors!"

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth yet!" scolded Yugi, making little progress with his physical performance of aggression. "Only good citizens are in there! No one cold and heartless is allowed to attend a safe haven of the lord--"

Almost as if on cue, Seto Kaiba emerged from the colossal edifice. Reaching down into his coat pocket, the prodigious businessman retrieved one of his latest electronic toys. Flipping the lid to the cellular device, he used his thumb to punch in a string of numerical values, phone data that he obviously had memorized to be working the keypad of the instrument so rapidly. Finishing the task in a matter of seconds, the brown-haired professional pressed the silver object to his ear and gazed out into the parking lot. Immediately, his eyes fell upon the awkward scene of Yugi attempting to manhandle Yami, the sennen couple appearing to be two toddlers fighting for dominance over a prized possession. Shooting the warring pair a look of disgust, the computer genius shook his head and turned his back to his rivals. 

Catching the arrogant expression in the CEO's sapphire orbs, Pharaoh cried, "You can't _possibly _expect me to believe that only decent people are in there!"

"Like with everything in life, Kaiba's the exception to the English rule." the petite schoolboy argued, using a free hand to wipe the sweat off his brow. "We can only hope that he's going straight to the confessional booth."

"With any luck at all, maybe he'll go straight to hell." muttered Yugioh under his breath.

"Yami!" the Japanese child said sharply, anger flashing in his normally passive purple-pink orbs, "Watch your language here!"

"That's another thing I don't like about this place!" griped the king of Egypt, digging his heels into the asphalt. "I can't be myself without being reprimanded like a little kid!"

"If you stopped acting like one, I wouldn't treat you like one!" Yugi shot back, the fury in his tone unmistakable. "Come on! You're the only one here whose behavior is similar to a whiny kindergarten brat's--"

Just then, the two duelists' livid dialogue was interrupted by another set of bystanders, a duo of fair-skinned, white-haired males that seemed to be having even more problems coping with each other than the sennen pair was. Pausing in their petty battle of sophisticated wordplay, the puzzle pair began to eavesdrop on the argumentative sweethearts that pulled up beside them.

"You _can_ do this, and you _will_!" commanded the snowy-haired child, mirroring Yugi's expression of exasperation and fury.

"Like hell I am!" the male with silver tresses snapped back, glaring at his hikari frostily. 

"Didn't I tell you not to use that kind of foul literature already?"

"It must have slipped my mind."

"Oh, is that so?" inquired the pale schoolboy mockingly, returning his yami's fierce look with one of his own. "You seem to be forgetting things pretty conveniently--I mean frequently--these days."

"Yes, and I've 'forgotten' how much of a joy it is to sleep in this early in the morning." the taller individual responded, matching his companion's sarcastic tone. "If you don't mind, I'm going to go refresh my memory and catch up on my beauty rest."

Spinning on his heel, the nocturnal creature tried to stalk back to the vehicle he came in, but was prevented in doing so. Courtesy of his hikari, the millennium spirit had been turned to face the giant neutral-toned cathedral once more. Lifting his lips in a snarl, the enraged male with lilac eyes remained stock-still. He didn't care how damned late they were going to be because of him. His religion-obsessed hikari should have figured out the fatal mistake of bringing him here long ago. Absolutely no one was allowed to disturb his peaceful siesta-'til-afternoon-time routine. Not even the one who shared the bond of the millennium ring with him.

"Let go of me!" demanded the alter ego, still moody from his lack of slumber. "I don't wanna be here!"

"I'm not giving up on you just yet, Spirit." declared the shorter student, looping his arm through his yami's limb. Slowly but surly, he began to haul his belligerent counterpart towards the entrance of the grand edifice. "God wouldn't be very happy with me if I let you waste your life away by getting up whenever you felt like it, surviving off of junk food, and harassing anyone you pleased."

"Who gives a fuck what God wants?" cursed the irate millennium spirit, beginning to lose his footing. "What about what _I _want? I want out of this place! I wanna hang with Joey at the arcade and eat greasy fries and burgers! I wanna stay out late all night and be so tired when I wake up that I trip out--" Before he could finish the remainder of his list of selfish desires, the amethyst-eyed individual fell over a crack in the sidewalk. The accident didn't hurt his body, but it _did _happen to damage his conceited pride.

Gazing at his yami without even a hint of sympathy, the younger male said in a knowing voice, "See what happens to those who aren't careful about what they wish for?"

"Don't give me that God-is-watching-us bullshit." snapped the taller person, lifting his head off the ground. 

"You never know when He is." replied the pale schoolboy mysteriously, stretching his hand out to his companion. "He could be listening in on us right now."

"Yeah, well that violates my privacy rights. What I do isn't anybody's business but mine." Pressing both of his palms on top of the pavement, the silvery-haired spirit started to lift himself from his current position. Viewing the slender fingers extended to him out of the corner of his eye, he snorted contemptuously and growled, "I don't _need _your help, I'm more than capable of fending for myself."

"I know that." came the short and sweet reply.

"Then get out of my way, mortal!"

"Not until we get to where we're supposed to be." the white-haired boy said, lowering his hand onto his yami's clothes. 

"Hey!" squawked the millennium spirit, completely surprised that his hikari was being so assertive with him. "What are you--get your hands off of me!"

"I don't care if I have to drag you kicking and screaming, Spirit, you're coming with me."

"Child, you'll be sorry for this!" threatened the lilac-eyed soul, squirming in the schoolboy's grip. "I'll never let you get a full night's rest again! I'll eat all the candy in our house so you'll have nothing sweet left to eat! I'll--I'll--"

"I'll be able to make that sacrifice." decided the snowy-haired adolescent, opening the door to the house of worship. Nonchalantly, he pulled the wailing millennium spirit into the gothic interior of the structure, appearing to be totally composed as if nothing out of the ordinary were happening.

"You'll pay for this, Ryou!" yelled the captured spirit of the ring, loud enough for everyone in the next city to hear the awful sounds he made. "I'll never forgive you for this! You'll see! I'll be ruthless to you from now on! I'll never take you mall hopping again! I'm going to--" The large wooden surfaces to the building shut, mercifully ending the threats of the childish tomb raider.

Turning his full attention back to Pharaoh, Yugi asked innocently, "So what's it gonna be, Yami? You wanna go peacefully with me so we can look civilized, or am I gonna have to drag you kicking and screaming like that?"

Swallowing down the hard lump in his throat, Yugioh smiled nervously while saying, "You wouldn't."

"Try me." the little duelist shot back, his visage devoid of any submissiveness.

As a last ditch effort to escape the horror of attending mass, the taller male changed the subject. "Yami no Bakura's inside now! He's going to take over the whole congregation and force them into bondage! Once we're in his grasp, he's going to try to take over the world!"

Yugi stared at his alter ego like he was an alien from outer space. "Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever--"

"What? How can you not believe me! That's probably what he's contemplating in that twisted head of his: world domination!"

"--you go and say something even _more _idiotic." 

"I swear it's the truth, though!" whined Yami, desperately pleading with his counterpart to believe him. "I know it is!"

"Good for you, Pharaoh." said the spiky-haired boy dully, wrapping his fingers around his friend's jacket collar. "I'm so pleased that you have such a vivid imagination."

"I'm not lying to you, Yugi! I--" realizing that his hikari was treating him like Ryou had handled his companion, Pharaoh began to protest wildly. "Stop it! I don't want to do it this way, I--"

"It's a little too late for that, don't you think?" replied the Japanese boy unemotionally, fed up with baby-sitting someone who normally didn't require a caretaker. 

"If you let me go, I'll walk by myself! Please, let me?"

Yugi let a thin laugh erupt from his throat, signaling a hint of distrust. "Yeah, right! the moment I let you loose you're gonna turn tail and run!"

"Am not!" protested the millennium spirit, despising how his own hikari was questioning his honesty. "I promise to be true to my word and escort myself in!"

Stopping in mid-pace, the petite adolescent regarded his alter ego coolly. Against his better judgment, he dropped his hand from his companion's clothes. "Fine. Do it yourself." Flashing him his warmest smile, the Egyptian began to murmur something, but was cut off by his friend's harsh statements. Sticking out an index finger, the youngster jabbed the appendage at him like a sword used by an archangel. "You better straighten out from this point on," warned Yugi, inches away from his counterpart's body, "or I'm gonna enroll you in Sunday school so you can be with all the little kids instead of the adults during mass. Got it?"

Bobbing his head up and down, Yami gestured his assent. 

"Good to know." replied the shorter male, relieved that his millennium spirit would be obliging him at last. Stepping behind the king of the Nile, the schoolboy ordered, "Let's get a move on, then."

Dropping his head between his shoulders, the older individual crept towards the scary structure looming over them. More than likely, Yami expected Seto to scowl at him the moment he stepped in the foyer, a nasty act that he supposed was the most genial expression that the PC programmer could muster for him. Calm and collected Ryou would be seated beside his trouble-making alter ego, administering lectures and looks of disapproval to Bakura whenever he did something "inappropriate." And the spirit of the ring…only the gods themselves knew what was going on in _that _warped dimension of a brain that the snowy-haired male owned. Pharaoh presumed that the pale-skinned millennium spirit didn't want to know what went on in his own head, either. Some things were better left hidden, those being the sordid little secrets in life that no one wanted to keep or tell.

Grasping the large iron ring connected to the wood of the cathedral, the spiky-haired boy cleared the path for him and his counterpart to appear in. Watching his friend freeze up in the doorway, the male with purple-pink orbs swept his arm in front of himself in a dramatic, theatrical fashion. "Well?" asked Yugi, gazing at his companion expectantly.

Searching for a way out of this whole mess still, Yami stammered, "Well, I--I was--I sort of was thinking--"

"Be quick with it." demanded the annoyed student, flicking a stray lock of his honey-colored bags out of his eyes. "They're already leading the congregation in singing the starting hymn."

"Do you think holy water is going to burn me if I never spent a day being Catholic?" asked the Egyptian innocently, his ruby eyes glittering with profound gullibility.

"You stopped me to ask that?"

"Yeah, why--"

"Get inside!"

"What did I do wrong, hikari?"

"Now! Before I lose my temper!"

"But what if it hurts?"

"_Now_!" commanded the younger male, pushing his alter ego into the air-conditioned space. He held his breath when his counterpart stumbled, flailing his arms wildly as he hastily sought to level himself out. Somehow--by the grace of God, Yugi guessed--the millennium spirit balanced his weight in time so that he wouldn't fall face-first into one of the benches. Releasing his captive breath, the youth rubbed his temple and asked out loud, "Please, God, tell me that I didn't do something wrong in this lifetime to deserve this. I never imagined that it would be this hard to get him to come to church…"


	2. Dodge This!

Chapter Two: Dodge _This_!

"Glad to see you could join us." someone snottily greeted the sennen pair, the haughty tone sounding hauntingly familiar to Yugi and Pharaoh. "We missed you during the starting arrangement."

Shifting his vision to the right, the petite student was struck by a most terrible vision. Displaying for Mutoh his most arrogant smirk, Kaiba made an extra effort to fiddle with the tie laced around his neck. The shorter adolescent knew what the exaggerated gesture meant. More or less, it was another subtle insult to him and his yami, one that probably held the rude connotation of, "Look what I can be seen in, you pathetic loser. When are you going to accept that I'm better than you?" That was vintage Seto for the gothic-haired couple, though. KaibaCorp.'s internationally-known CEO never ceased to flaunt his style, strut from one end of the city to another like he was God's gift to creation, or wave his wealth in front of the faces of people who were less fortunate in life then he was--with Yugi being at the top of his list to offend, of course. Whenever the two classmates happened to cross paths, the brown-haired executive rambled continuously about how life in the clouds was, how he was the top-ranking officer in their grade, just illustrating the fine points of his famous existence so haughtily that his peer had to swallow large amounts of vomit just to keep himself conscious. On some occasions, the blue-eyed teen would lean over his colleague's desk in school, proudly showing off another exam of the "A+" caliber. A score like that was so unbearably high that the gothic-haired male felt like turning one of Joey's wicked little idea's into reality--namely the fantasy where he would light a match underneath Seto's paper, waiting for the moment when the briefcase-wielding twit himself would catch fire. 

Jounouchi was so good at concocting schemes to make the spoiled brat regret ever messing with his friends, pranks that ranged from minor jokes to actual plots of outrageous juvenile delinquency. Yugi recalled the comical instance where Jou stuck a sign on Kaiba's back, right before the snobby adolescent was going to the blackboard. Gliding towards to front of the classroom, the brown-haired CEO didn't even notice the huge sheet of notebook paper plastered to his backside, flapping in the breeze created by the ceiling fan. Attempting to use his professional skills to charm their instructor, the blue-eyed boy calmly demonstrated his expertise in mathematics, organizing the data in a clear and simple fashion for everyone to read and understand. Working the equation in his usual systematic way, he paused when he heard a few giggles reach his ears. He probably summed it up to good ole Katsuya, trying to hit on the girls while he was hard at work solving the calculus statement. Commanding himself to focus on what he was doing, the blue-eyed boy didn't even glance over his shoulder. Moments later, some of the other students joined in the laugh parade, adding their particular chuckles and gestures to the mix. Somewhat bothered by the peculiar response to arithmetic, Seto shot a worried look at his professor. All the male educator did was smile encouragingly, display his palms, and push his hands back and forth before turning his attention to the mounds of essays left to be reviewed. Dismissing the second vocal outburst, the tall executive began scratching numerals and equals signs with chalk again. Somehow, he was able to remain very poised and unruffled, even through the sporadic bursts of hilarity. Extremely tranquil indeed, until the voice of one of his most hated adversaries piped up--

"Man, he's so freakin' _clueless_!" a tone rich in slang blurted out, amused with Seto's exhibit of odd serenity. 

Looking over his shoulder, the brown-haired boy was confronted with the most idiotic grin he had ever seen, spread across the mouth of someone who he could barely bring himself to tolerate: Joey Wheeler. Finally, the wealthy businessman allowed his features to show a hint of emotion. Too bad it was only fictitious self-assurance.

Throwing the blond a smug smirk, the CEO stated coolly, "Yes, that's just about what everyone believes you are when it comes to this subject." Letting his pretentious smile grow, he amended his previous assertion with an even bitter remark. "No, let's make that _every _topic in learning."

"Hey, true 'dat." agreed Wheeler, flashing a peace sign at his classmate good-naturedly. 

"Dim-witted and proud of it." mumbled the blue-eyed male pompously, loud enough for all contained within the four walls of the lab to listen to. 

"Maybe so." reasoned Katsuya, who still seemed very pleased with himself about something. "But at least I'd be smart enough to know what was on my own clothes."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Shrugging mysteriously, the honey-haired male replied, "I guess you haven't discovered out our lil' secret yet, huh?" 

By "our," Seto knew that he was referring to the student body as a whole. Aggravated with the guessing games, the teen at the chalkboard snapped, "You couldn't keep something to yourself if your life depended on it."

"Which is why I can't bring myself to damage that record now."

"Spit it out, already! Why are you still smiling at me like some mischievous child who is up to something--" As soon as he said those words, the brown-haired boy's face grew serious. That was it! That was it _all _along! Joey was up to something! The blond prairie dog had really stuck it to him somehow! But how? What could the barking mutt have been able to pull while he was laboring over the algebra equation? 

"What did you do, Jounouchi?" demanded Kaiba, no longer in the mood for being the focal point of amusement for the class. "Tell me! What have you done?"

"Me?" asked the sunny male, his amber orbs twinkling with innocence. "Naw, I'm not the one ya should be askin' that of."

"Then who _should _I be questioning, Katsuya?"

"Yourself." Joey answered in a matter-of-fact tone of voice. "I mean, do ya gotta prance around tellin' everyone ya bedroom habits? Get real, man! I thought ya knew no one wanted to hear that sorta stuff!"

"Oh, shut up Jounouchi!" ordered the wealthy executive, glaring at his peer harshly, "I don't even know what you're talking about--"

Out of the corner of his eye, the blue-eyed male caught a glimpse of the motions one of his peers was making. A white-haired student had lifted a piece of paper and patted his rear, indicating that Seto had something on a disturbing location on him. Hoping that the dark-eyed student was wrong, Kaiba squeezed his lids together and reached behind himself. His fingers grasped a smooth, rectangular object, similar to the one that Ryou was signaling to him with. Angrily, the professional pupil plucked the message from his posterior, reading the letters scrawled in permanent marker. Not even halfway through viewing the note, the sapphire-eyed student glowered threateningly at the one whom he knew was responsible for arriving at such ill-mannered literature to post on him.

"What?" asked Joey, clearly amused by the expression of rage distorting Seto's features, "I told ya people wouldn't like knowin' you're lil' sex romps, but you didn't believe me!"

"You're right, I _don't_ believe you!" shouted Kaiba, losing his composure at last. "How could you write something like that?"

"With this and this." answered Wheeler simply, holding up the marker and printer sheets at his desk, the devices used to produce humiliating effects from his arch rival. "Geez, Kaiba boy! Don't ya at least know what writing utensils are? Maybe you're not so gifted and talented after all!"

Incapable of handling the intense racket in his classroom, the Calculus instructor nearly jumped out of his seat. The entire lecture hall watched as a very upset man fumbled from behind his desk and almost toppled over his own feet, trying to get in front of his students as quickly as possible. 

When he had reached his desired destination, he threw his arms in the air and demanded, "I'm at my seat, reading the essays that you turned in, and all of a sudden, everyone starts laughing like a bunch of madmen! What is going on here--"

Violently, Seto shoved the rude letter he had into his teacher's grasp, his cheeks flushed with unspoken fury. Startled at the ferocious presentation of emotions, the instructor adjusted his glasses and flipped the paper out in front of himself. Taking in his prized student's mixed feelings, the professor vocalized the content of the terribly formed words.

" 'Kiss me, Teach, since I swing that way!' " read the educator, furrowing his brow as he spoke. " 'I'm a teacher's pet with advantages--' " Raising his eyebrows in shock, the man thoroughly understood the suggestive undertones in the note. Turning a shade of scarlet darker than the student beside him, the teacher roared, "_Joey! How many detentions do I have to assign you before you stop harassing my pupils_?!"

"Hey!" retorted the blond, his amber orbs glittering with mock hurt, "I'm guilty without even bein' charged yet! It may not have even been me who pulled that!"

"Who else would dare to "pull" such a deranged stunt?"

"I dunno, Ryou maybe?" suggested the honey-haired comedian, attempting not to let a smile break out in this severe circumstance. "It's always the quiet ones who do the most messed up stuff."

All eyes shifted to the fair-skinned, brown-eyed boy in the back of the class, scribbling some notes in a spiral. Blushing fiercely at Joey's light-hearted accusation, the white-haired male didn't dare to look up from his assignment. He just went on about his business, hoping that the class would stop staring at him so intently. 

"Okay, alright!" laughed the amber-orbed teen, unable to keep the chuckles from erupting in his mouth. "Maybe it _was _me." Breathing a sigh of relief, the spirit of the ring's hikari was capable of holding his pen at a steady angle without shaking again. "Fine, fine, it was me! Ya got me--"

"Damn straight it was!" Kaiba cursed through clenched teeth, a look of cold-blooded murder flaring in his stormy sea eyes. 

"_All right_!" shouted the teacher, holding his hands up in front of his chest. "_Enough is enough_! _Katsuya Jounouchi, Kaiba Seto, come with me_! _The rest of you are to stay seated until I return_!"

Grabbing both pupils by the arm, the male educator marched out of the room with the two boys struggling in his grasp.

"Hey, do ya think the principal's gonna give us a lollipop this time, Teach?" Joey asked, smiling with the enthusiasm of a child.

"If she knows what's good for you, maybe she'll finally give you a punishment that will bring all of your illiterate pranks to an end." was all the angry teacher could arrive at, eyeing his pupil frigidly.

"Why am I going with both of you?" wailed Kaiba, thrashing in his educator's clutches. "I didn't do anything! This mangy animal did!"

"Don't tell me ya forgot about the major codes of conduct already, Mr. Perfect." taunted Joey, enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame.

"Which would be…?"

"Zero-tolerance for bad lingo." informed Wheeler, appearing to be very happy with himself. His smirk widened as Kaiba's dark expression spread. "That means ya can't swear at whoever ya feel like an' get away with it." With a smug smirk, the blond added, "No matter how many greenbacks you own, ya ain't getting' outta this one, Kaiba boy."

Right before the bold street tough was escorted out of class, he winked at Yugi, an enigmatic symbol that denoted that he would put his ass on the line continuously for the gothic-haired kid, just to show him how much he cared. Just before his head disappeared in the doorway, Jounouchi flashed his trademark peace sign once more, but it meant far more then than it usually did. The gesture was for victory, a small battle that was won against the arrogant bitch of Domino High. It was a gesture that proved that money didn't always bring people happiness, especially those who attempted to destroy other's egos just to build their own up. Not only that, but the silly little action was also a symbol of their friendship, comrades who didn't give a flip who tried to tear them down, but did care about those who suffered the most from brats like Kaiba and ventured out to set things right. 

"Dude, we finally won one!" Yugi heard Joey blast out of his mouth like a battle cry, his voice echoing throughout the hallways at their school.

At that moment in his life, revenge never felt sweeter for the petite adolescent. Little did Seto and their teacher know that _he_ planned out the whole dastardly deed, getting Joey to perform it that day just to bring the spoiled little snob to his senses.

Snapping back to the present day and time, the shorter teen warned, "Don't start with me, Kaiba. You never know what I'll put Joey up to next."

Paling at the vivid memory, the brown-haired boy replied, "He wouldn't want to do that. Not after the suspension he received from the office."

"You want to test me and find out if that's true or not?"

Without even giving a second thought to the matter, the sapphire-eyed teen shook his head. 

Smiling triumphantly, Yugi asked, "That's great, I'm glad we finally understand each other now." Scanning the benches, the shorter child's purple-pink orbs glanced over the array of visitors present. "Where's Ryou and Bakura?"

"You mean Beauty and the Beast?" asked Kaiba, tilting his head to the side. Casually, he pointed to a cluster of chairs at the very back of the church. "Right over there, next to the stained glass windows."

"Why so far back?" the spiky-haired boy wondered aloud, cocking an eyebrow in astonishment. "Ryou normally likes top billing by the ministers."

"Maybe he's providing his yami an easy way out if they can't stomach being together in the same room."

"Too true." sighed the child with black, blond, and red tresses, slumping his shoulders slightly. Somewhere along the line, he was sure that his light-featured friend had used the same gesture more than once--particularly when he was dealing with his quarrelsome alter ego. "I don't think he'll let Bakura make _that _much of a scene, though."

Seto threw his classmate a challenging look, arching his brow in a dubious manner. "You _do _realize who we're talking about, right?"

A light shade of pink colored Yugi's cheeks, a hazy tint that even covered the base of his neck. "He'll be fine, I'm sure." the petite child stated with carefully chosen words, praying that he wouldn't spread any ill will in the sacred domain. "His hikari won't stand for any--misconduct, I suppose."

"You sound like Mr. Hangashi." accused the brown-haired boy, a slight smile creeping up on his lips. 

"Do not!"

"Do so. He always uses words like that, particularly when he has to discipline Jounouchi."

Desperately searching for a new topic to discuss, the gothic-haired boy asked, "Speaking of which, where is Jou? I haven't seen him since yesterday morning."

Stretching his hand in front of himself, the sapphire-eyed individual folded his fingers inward. "Rumor has it he overloaded his tolerance levels and consumed enough beverages to tranquilize an elephant. So," Studying his perfectly filed nails, the CEO flexed the limbs before setting them down in his lap once more. "he ultimately took shelter in a colleague's residence for some rest and relaxation."

"What?" inquired the shorter teen edgily, shocked by the information he received. 

"You don't get what I just said?" Lifting a corner of his mouth in a sneer, Kaiba commented, "Honestly, Yugi, you're acting more and more like that gutter snipe Wheeler every time I see you. Maybe you should stop seeing him for a while so I can teach you some more sophisticated--"

"Ways to get retribution on overconfident attention-seekers who delight in harassing their fellow contemporaries?" offered the male with purple-pink orbs, regarding his cohort calmly. Tilting his head towards the ceiling, he scratched his neck in an exaggerated fashion. Peering down at his rival, he relished the dark expression he saw. "I didn't realize that I needed to upgrade any of my tactics, but I guess I could use some constructive criticism. Since you've already seen firsthand what my conspiracies are capable of, do you have any suggestions on how to improve them?"

Inwardly shuddering at the thought of being a walking billboard for their class again, the executive retorted, "Don't worry, Yugi, that little mishap in school will come back on you someday."

"Yeah, like when?" snorted the petite adolescent contemptuously, challenging Kaiba to follow through with his threat.

Shrugging carelessly, the brown-haired boy distracted himself with an exquisitely painted window. "You never know, the Lord works in mysterious ways."

Catching the hint of a smile spreading across the CEO's mouth, the indigo-eyed male inquired, "Just what is _that _supposed to mean? Out of everyone here, I'm willing to bet you're the only one who doesn't practice what they preach!"

"At least I'm willing to admit that much." Before Yugi could denounce his statement, the blue-eyed male added, "Speaking of the word "preach", I believe you're going to end up using that term more times than you can say the "Hail Mary."

Narrowing his eyes suspiciously, the shorter teen turned his head to see what his adversary was gazing so intently at. It wasn't the beautiful composition of glass the businessman was viewing, but a certain individual with red, black, and blond tresses that was conversing with another familiar figure--or so it seemed. Stealing up closer to get a better look, the high school boy gaped in horror at what he saw. There, standing over a basin of liquid on the wall, were Pharaoh and Bakura, the two millennium spirits flicking the clear substance on their hands at each other. 

"Take _that_!" cried Yami, throwing some more of the runny material at the white-haired person. "I betchya can't get me back!"

Grinning wildly, the spirit of the ring blocked the light shower with his trench coat. "Missed me!" he sang loudly, repeating the lyrics of an old, obnoxious rhyme. "Missed me, missed me! Now you have to kiss me!"

Sticking out his tongue, the king of the Nile made a terrible face. "I'd rather make-out with Seto than you!"

"He is a hottie, isn't he?"

"Oohh, you self-proclaimed hentai! Is there no indecent boundary on this earth that you haven't crossed yet?"

Taking a much-needed breather, the pale-faced demon closed his eyes. Placing a finger on his chin, he appeared to be in deep thought, contemplating the depth of his playmate's words. "Well," he said, stroking his visage, "there is _one _line that I'll never cross."

"And what's that?" questioned Yugioh, somewhat astounded that the tomb robber before him had _any _morals or scruples. 

"This is something I will never, ever, in my whole _existence_, on my hikari's life, that I won't do--"

"Which is?"

"Kiss you." answered the millennium spirit callously, displaying the full length of his evil smile for Yami. "Not in this lifetime, or in another one, or even in my nightmares will I ever--"

Slamming his limbs down into the cold fluid on the doorframe, the spirit of the puzzle made sure to get every inch of his skin wet. After all, the tomb robber had the onslaught of rain coming to him. No one called the Egyptian king unattractive and got away with it. 

Recalling a famous line from one of his favorite movies, the ruler of the Nile threw the daring phrase at his ally.

"Dodge _this_." Pharaoh ordered, unleashing a jet of water at his opponent.

And that's exactly what the lilac-eyed male did--except he had no way of knowing that his defensive maneuver would draw an innocent bystander into their brawl.


	3. What Hell Must Be Like

Chapter Three: What Hell _Must_ Be Like

"What is the meaning of this?" cried an elderly man, hardly able to believe that he had just been sprayed with sacred liquid of the church. 

"Uh-oh…" Yami said slowly, viewing the damage that had been done to a fellow citizen.

"Way to go, Pharaoh!" snickered the spirit of the ring, crossing his arms in front of himself. "You splashed a staff member!"

Feeling the temperature rise in his cheeks to a very uncomfortable level, the king of the Nile quickly apologized for his actions. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were standing there, and--"

"Do you think this is some kind of playground for you, Spirit?" Yugi broke in, appearing to be even more distressed by Yugioh's demeanor than the actual victim of the two Egyptians' horseplay. 

"No, but--"

"But what, Yami?" interrupted the shorter teen impatiently, looking at his aibou with troubled eyes. "What excuse could you _possibly _come up with that would justify getting a priest wet?"

"He--this guy--this person is a _priest_?" sputtered the master duelist, finally understanding his hikari's apprehension. 

"No, of course not." Bakura chimed in during random bursts of chuckling. "He's just some cute older male in drag who--"

"Well _that _certainly explains a lot to me." the ruby-eyed person commented, eyeing the drenched individual that was bearing all-white attire. "I thought that was a dress he had on, but I didn't want to say anything."

"Those are _robes_!" corrected the schoolboy, chastising the ignorant adults as best as he could. "Not a dress! _Robes_!" he repeated, greatly emphasizing his main point.

"You had _me _fooled there for a while." the white-haired demon whispered to the other Egyptian, speaking directly into his friend's ear. 

"I know!" the gothic haired person whispered back, dumbfounded by the odd clothing arrangement that the elderly man displayed. "He looks like he's prancing around in one of Chi's costumes!"

"You mean that girl from Chobits?"

"Yeah!" exclaimed the ruby-eyed male quietly, smiling a bit as he spoke. "Am I right, or am I right?"

"Sorta, but the drab material reminds me more of those things mortals use to close their windows."

"Oh, you mean _drapes_?" offered the ruler of the Nile, his crimson orbs dancing animatedly. 

"Right on!" agreed Bakura, pointing an index finger at his ally in recognition. "That's _exactly _what I was thinking of!"

"That's pretty funny!"

"Not to me." snapped a young voice, terribly shamed by his companion's conduct.

"Or _me_." retorted the leader of the congregation, wiping another runnel of water from his face. "In all of my thirty five years of priesthood, I've never--I mean _ever_--had to deal with anything like this."

Masking his own anger with a sweet smile, Yugi asked gently, "Is there anything I can do for you, Father?"

"Haven't you done enough already?" responded the reverend in a hostile tone, shooting the millennium spirits a dark glare. Like two small children, the Egyptians shrank behind the Japanese child, clearly wanting the hikari to take the heat off of them. Keeping a weary eye on the cowering individuals, the man turned to one of the alter boys and ordered, "Luke, I want you to inform the parishioners that there will be a slight delay for this afternoon's mass. And as for me--" glancing over his saturated garments, he shook his head sadly. "I'll be in my living quarters finding something more--_suitable_, I suppose." 

Turning in the opposite direction of the choir stage, the minister left the premises in a fast-paced walk. His trail of cream-colored clothes vanished from sight as he disappeared through a glass door, leaving a procession of stunned candle bearers, assistants, and veteran churchgoers in his wake. 

"There, are you happy now?" asked the purple-eyed boy, feeling his self-control slip farther and farther away every time he addressed the heathens. "You just caused a problem so bad that every person in this cathedral is going to have to wait until the pastor feels like returning!" 

"Um, it--it's not _that_ serious." Yami tried to reason, unsure of what to come up with so that his hikari would return to his normal cheery self. Upon watching his aibou's expression shift from anxious to enraged, the spirit of the puzzle dropped his head between his shoulders. "I'm sorry, Yugi."

"You ought to be more than that." chastised the shorter male, still gravely displeased with his alter ego. 

"But why?" whined the Egyptian king, appearing to be injured by the boy's terrible remark. "I'm even taking the blame for Bakura, too!"

"And that's what friends are for." smiled the snowy-haired male, content with the fact that his lighter half wasn't there to scold him like a kid in elementary school. 

"Maybe I should tell Ryou what you've been up to." threatened the spirit of the puzzle, aggravated that his playmate was getting off scot-free without even hearing so much as a single word of displeasure. "If he knew what Yugi and I did, then _you'd_ be in an even worse situation than _I'm_ in at the moment." 

"Go ahead!" invited the audacious person with silver tresses as he gestured with a ready arm. Spreading the limb in front of himself, he proceeded to say, "Go on and do it! Ryou's like a kitten when he's with me alone! Practically harmless, if you ask me! He probably wouldn't even give this matter a second thought--"

"You want to run that by me again?" a voice from out of nowhere suddenly inquired, stopping the tomb robber's extreme embellishments in their tracks.

Immediately recognizing the British accent, the spirit of the ring stuttered, "Ah, Ryou! I--I, um, uh, hum--really missed you! What--why did you take so long in the restroom? I got really--huh, er--worried!"

Leaning his head to the side, the brown-eyed boy listened to his counterpart, a grown, age-old individual who was attempting to justify his rude behavior with fanciful fabrications. Underneath his calm and collected exterior, the sennen couple knew that he was stark raving mad at his alter ego. They could see the flecks of anger dance crazily in his dark orbs, adding quite a forbidding aura of energy to the usually benevolent and lovable schoolboy. Briefly, the puzzle bonded twins speculated which of the white-haired males was the true asshole of the relationship. 

Bakura was notorious for being a bitter bastard, a nasty soul who never did a favor for someone unless he had something extravagant to gain out of the deal. Being known as a wicked hellcat was a title he seemed to love dearly, for it was a reputation he proudly exhibited whenever he caught himself being remotely courteous. But then there was the _other_ child, the sweet silent one that seemed to be nothing more than an adorable angel…

Honestly, that was _exactly_ what Ryou had the capacity to be--most of the time. For those of his friends who knew him best, they all comprehended that the snowy-haired teen was capable of more than shutting up and taking his yami's abusive manners. His temper was an abominable force to be reckoned with, a degree of rage that was so high that even the spirit of the ring found himself recoiling from his hikari's stressed feelings. One of them was outwardly evil, while the other chose to be more discreet about their emotional outbursts--until they were so overcome with fury that the dams in their head burst open, flooding their present landscape with intolerable amounts of pure wrath. 

__

/Maybe Joey was right…/ thought the spiky-haired child, taking an involuntary step backwards from what felt like a potential combat zone. _/It's always the quiet ones who we should fear the most…/_

Thankfully bringing his darker half's sputter session to a close, Ryou calmly said, "Oh. How thoughtful and considerate of you to think of me while I was gone."

Exchanging glances of utter disbelief, the two gothic haired males mouthed in unison, "_No way_!"

Cupping his hands over his lips, Yugi whispered to his aibou, "Well _this _is totally unprecedented."

"I thought Bakura would be dead by now." admitted the puzzle spirit, shooting the silvery-haired males a nervous glance. He kept a ruby eye on his allies, still half-expecting them to go to war with one another.

"That could still happen, though."

"Yeah," agreed Yami, nodding at his hikari's words. "Ryou looks pissed enough to tie his millennium spirit to the alter and drown him in holy water."

"Thanks for the idea, Pharaoh. That's a good one there."

"Hm? What is?"

"Getting you barbarically baptized."

"But why?" asked the taller person, fearing the wrath of his own counterpart. "What'd I do wrong _this _time?"

"Something's _gotta _work in cleansing that filthy mouth of yours." the purple-eyed boy said, turning away from his white-haired friends. 

"But it was just one word!" protested Yugioh, acting as if he had absolutely no control over what he vocalized. 

"That makes it one word too many, Spirit."

"What ever happened to freedom of speech in America?"

"You're in a church!" reminded Yugi, wagging that ever-ready index finger at his companion. "How can you keep making the same mistake over and over again, even _after _I told you to knock it off?"

"Maybe I'm just slow?" suggested Yami sheepishly, feeling a bit of heat in his cheeks.

"Either that, or you haven't figured out how to listen yet."

"That was harsh, Yugi."

"If you don't want to be introduced to _my _temper, I highly recommend you find a chair and put yourself in it." ordered the gothic-haired teen, pointing to a patch of unoccupied seating quarters. 

"There's nothing like being under the dictatorship of a kid fresh from the fifth grade." grumbled the millennium spirit, giving his lighter half a terrible glare. 

"_Eleventh _grade!" corrected the shorter individual, despising the proverbial insult that everyone threw at him. "I'm starting _eleventh _grade this year!"

"Doesn't show a bit." mumbled the taller male to himself.

"What was that?"

Judging by the look on his aibou's visage, Yami could tell that he heard the impertinent reply. "Nothing." responded the ruby-eyed pharaoh darkly, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Nothing at all."

"Then _move_." ordered the hikari, hastily gesturing to their new destination. "I don't want to stand here all day, you know."

Very reluctantly, the alter ego began to pull himself in the direction of Yugi's choice. He dragged his feet and stared at the plush carpet below, idly contemplating who cracked the whip in _their _relationship. As the dim realization set in that his lighter half was more dominant than _he _was, the Egyptian moved like an unruly teenager through the aisles, feeling very confined and claustrophobic. 

"I'd rather be going at Kaiba's throat right now than hanging out in some fortress of solitude." sighed the millennium spirit wistfully, gazing at the huge double doors of the church with incredible longing. Suddenly, he felt a terrible rap against his forehead. Squealing in surprised pain, Pharaoh whined, "Oww! What the hell was _that _for?"

Without even a mere hesitation, the petite adolescent smacked his counterpart in the same location once more. "Oh, stop your whining!" demanded the schoolboy, matching Ryou's legendary temper point for point. "You know you're not supposed to use grotesque speech here!" Reinforcing his seemingly endless admonishment, the young teen smacked the taller male with the flat of his palm again. "That _also_ goes for swearing, too! When are you ever going to learn from your errors, Yami? Do I have to hold your hand like a little kid every place we go so I can keep you out of trouble? I just don't know what--"

"To do with me?" finished the bored counterpart, expressing a complete look of disinterest towards his friend. 

Dismissing the offered words of his millennium spirit, the gothic-haired boy continued to rant away. "Honest to God, Pharaoh! I can't keep covering for you every time you screw up!"

"That's cutting it close in the bad language department, Yugi." the king of the Nile warned, mimicking his lighter half's agitated voice. "You know we can't say stuff like that here."

"Anyways," lectured the shorter individual, totally ignoring his alter ego's sarcasm, "you're over five thousand years of age! Haven't you learned _any _manners in all your years of existence? Why do you have to torment me like this? It doesn't matter where we are, what we're doing, or who we're around, I _always _have to stop and reprimand you as if you were my son! Christ almighty, help me through this! Sometimes I can't tell whether I'm speaking with a mature adult--"

"--Or rearing a child!" someone in back of the puzzle bonded duo roared, their angry British accent reverberating off of the formerly somber church walls. "Dear spirits, would it _kill _you to act your age once in a while? Must you make a mockery out of even sacred places like this?"

Astonished by the similar-sounding dialogue, the sennen pair caught a glimpse of their snowy-haired allies approaching, the duo of ring-bonded males appearing to be very hostile with each other as they drifted across the floorboards. They arrived in a fashion almost identical to the gothic-haired couple's, Bakura scowling and tossing rancorous remarks back at his counterpart, while Ryou forced him on ahead, providing the lilac-eyed person with a sermon long enough to put the pope to shame. Marching ahead of his lighter half, the spirit of the ring gave everyone around them the impression that he was a criminal on death row. He held his hands behind his back, mirroring what children in elementary school had to do when they walked down the halls with their teacher. If looks could kill, the mouthy hikari would've died twenty times over already.

Halting beside a set of benches, the snowy-haired child berated, "And I never want to see you using holy water as fuel for a self-generated pistol again! Do you hear me, Bakua? Never!"

"We were just playing, though!" protested the white-haired individual, miraculously holding his own weight in his companion's presence. "We didn't mean anything by it!"

"I thought you had enough common sense to realize that you aren't supposed to horse around in a church!"

"Even still, we didn't know what the stuff was!"  


"So that gives you the divine right to turn a sanctified substance into a sprinkler system?"

Raising his palms to the brown-eyed boy, Bakura began to object, but decided against it. Instead, he let his arms fall to his sides, bowing his head in defeat. As much as he hated to admit it, Ryou was right. The little God freak was right about everything. For some insane reason, that made the millennium spirit even more upset at his hikari than he had ever been before. He hated someone out-witting him, completely _despised _it when a mere mortal had a better command of the art of sarcasm than he did. All he was able to do at the moment was glower menacingly at his companion while gritting his teeth. 

"Aw, _man_!" Yami piped up, unaware of what his next few statements would cost him. "You got _told_!"

"Shut-up, Pharaoh!" snapped the tomb robber bitterly, turning his dirty look on the gothic-haired male. "Just shut-up!"

"Your ass is _so _dead, though!" 

"You mean like _yours _happens to be now?" Yugi inquired, giving his alter ego his most vile expression yet.

Immediately fearing another heavy hit delivered by his friend, the taller individual swiftly draped his arms over his head for protection. "Wah, I'm sorry! Don't deck me, please!"

"Put your hands down, Spirit!" commanded the shorter boy, wishing that the clergymen and nuns would stop giving them disapproving stares. 

"But I don't wanna get slammed again!" 

"Yami, stop it! You are embarrassing me!"

"I don't mean to, it's just that--"

Interrupting the pathetic statements of his counterpart, the schoolboy growled, "I'm _not _going to hurt you, okay? Just stop already!"

Meekly complying with his hikari's demands, the taller male lowered his limbs slowly. "You mean it?" asked Pharaoh cautiously, still waiting for the moment when his friend would rear back and lay one on him.

Sighing into the heavens, the gothic-haired boy said, "Yes, I do. I won't smack you anymore."

"Not even if I have it coming?"

"Not even then." repeated Yugi after the king of the Nile with a slight smile on his lips. As he watched a grateful grin begin to blossom on his yami's mouth, the shorter teen said sharply, "Don't be too quick to thank me though. That little slip of your tongue just cost you a week of no video games."

"Whaa--?" cried Pharaoh, shocked by the cruel punishment. 

"That's right!" continued the high school student, pushing his darker half into a vacant chair. "No PC, console, or simulated reality games from today all the way to next Sunday."

"But Yugi," complained the puzzle spirit in desperation, his face distraught, "Kaiba just updated all of his duel deck systems! How am I going to stay ahead of everyone if I don't practice?"

"You should of thought of that _before _you came up with those stupid phrases." snapped Bakura, his tone of voice absolutely sinister.

"Don't act so high and mighty yourself, there." Ryou joined in, folding his arms in front of himself. "You've got the same consequences coming to you."

"He's the one who said it, not me!" griped the white-haired individual, widening his lilac eyes. "Why do I have to get disciplined for something _he_ spouted off?"

"First of all," explained Ryou, fixing his companion with an unpleasant gaze, "I'm not penalizing you for Yami's mistakes because that's what Yugi's job is. Secondly, you're guilty of the same exact offenses that he committed! And thirdly--"

"They were just some minor mishaps, Hikari! I--"

"Thirdly," the pale pupil went on, daring his alter ego to cut him off again with a nasty expression, "you're older than _I _am! People your age shouldn't even _have _to be disciplined!"

"Amen to that." Pharaoh threw out, impersonating the disposition of a preacher.

Lightening up some, the lilac-eyed person added, "And hallelujah, brother."

"_Just shut-up and sit down already_!" yelled the schoolboys together, capturing some nearby people's attention as they furiously extended their limbs to where they wanted their alter egos to be. 

"Man, it's like we have twin Hitlers for friends." commented Yugioh, sliding into the spot at the end of the row.

"Yeah, like a couple of child Nazis." agreed Bakura, joining his ally in a nearby position. "This _must_ be the Catholic version of a concentration camp."

"Uh-huh, some sort of torture chamber for the strangely devout ones."

"So," asked the white-haired person casually, leaning in towards the puzzle spirit, "when do you think they're going to gas us?"

Drawing in a large breath of air, the other Egyptian held it for a few seconds, and then dispelled the oxygen dramatically. "Hopefully sometime soon, Bakura-san…hopefully sometime _really _soon."

Curving his torso over the lower half of his frame, the king of the Nile planted an elbow on his leg and stretched out his hand. He flopped his head onto his open palm, felt the volume of his tri-colored strands on his fingers, and closed his eyes. 

__

/So this_ is what hell must be like…/ _thought the Egyptian king, feeling sorry for himself as he pondered his reasons for letting his hikari take him to such a solemn setting. _/No wonder everyone speaks about that fiery region so bad--because they don't want to end up in a catacomb like this. / _


	4. Where is the Love?

Chapter Four: Where is the Love?

"Will you stop singing the song that way?" demanded the green-eyed boy.

Yami Bakura rolled his violet orbs in such a way that only the whites of his eyes could be seen. "You should be happy I'm even participating in this zombie festival." snapped the millennium spirit bitterly.

"I am, but not how _you're_ going about doing so."

"What's so wrong with what I sound like?"

"For starters, you can stop chanting 'Glory to me in the highest.' " said Ryou. He was angrier than a cat who got its tail stepped on, but tried to hold on to his composure as best as he could. "We are here to praise the Lord, not you."

"He's not my God." grumbled the bearer of the ring coldly. "I don't want anything to do with Him, his self-righteous saints, or any of those other snotty fat cats who think they own the world."

"Keep that filthy tongue to yourself and wash it with the correct lyrics of Christ!" ordered the white-haired teen, the fires of irritation and fury flaring in his dark orbs. 

Snorting in disgust, the taller male inquired, "Why? So I can hear about how I'm going to hell after I leave here?"

Swallowing his raged, the shorter person drew in a nice, slow breath and stared at the ceiling. "Yami, I'd be surprised if hell would take you." he commented, studying the masterful architecture of the wooden beams overhead.

"That's right, so I should just set this down here," agreed the tomb robber, shutting his hymnal and practically throwing the text back in its placeholder, "and I'll see you around eleven or twelve tomorrow." Quickly vacating the premises, he turned around, spotted an open door, then made a break from it all, but--

"Get back here." the hikari calmly told his escape artist of an Egyptian. His pale and slender fingertips had Bakura's collar caught in them, a nice, snug fit that allowed the school boy to make a decent capture of his runaway comrade. "I'm not going to let you cause anymore embarrassment just because you can't stop acting like a child with A.D.D."

"But whyyyyy?" whined the snowy-haired individual in a childish accent. "I don't wanna be here! I don't wanna sing this tone deaf junk! I don't wanna--"

"Hear anymore of your infantile moaning and complaining." finished Ryou, slightly more annoyed than he had been before. Plucking his millennium spirit's former song book from its location on the shelf, he flipped through the gently worn pages, sound the piece the rest of the church was following along to, then shoved the material at his yami. "Take it," ordered the adolescent frostily, "and don't allow a single remark of displeasure to echo from those lips. Do I make myself clear?" When his counterpart didn't reach for the hymnal, the brown-eyed male repeated, "Well, do I make myself clear or not?" There was no mistaking the steely edge his voice contained. Either the tomb robber would take the hardback by himself and sing sweetly like a good little hell raiser, or he would be forced to go without heavy metal music for the next few months. Actually, the latter consequence would be just fine by the pale pupil, since he couldn't stand listening to Marilyn Manson or Nine Inch Nails at any time during the day or night. People who looked like they were resurrected from a grave of cross-dressing insanity should be skinned and put out of their misery--or so the light-skinned student thought. 

Grinding his teeth together, the rebellious millennium spirit evaluated his mortal equivalent. The young totalitarian had his arms crossed in front of his chest and stood rigidly, almost as if he were under inspection by a drill sergeant. His big umber eyes stared back at the Egyptian expectantly, watching, waiting for the decision about to be made. 

Meanwhile, Yugi had his own troubles to deal with-namely a taller replica of himself that insisted on being possessed by mischief. Somehow during the opening song, Yami no Yugi had clamped a set of headphones down over his ears, a headpiece that acted more like a world broadcast system than a listening device. In front of God and everybody, the pharaoh from Egypt's ancient days bebopped around his seat, mimicking his favorite rapper's gangster language with his hands. Mutou's jaw dropped as his poor head was assaulted by a slew of trash talk, music so barbaric and crude that only his immature counterpart would deem the material worth listening to. 

"So will the Real Slim Shady please stand up," sang the puzzle spirit, oblivious to everyone around him, including the very pissed hikari glaring him down with hellfire eyes. "and put one a those fingers on each hand up!" Before his enraged equivalent could react, he folded his fingers down into his palm--all except for a very unholy limb--the one classically used to tell people what they could do if they had a problem with something or another. Bouncing his head like a homie from Chicago would, the Egyptian worked his body in such a provocative way that every family surrounding him covered their children's eyes. 

Mutou, who felt a little like swearing himself now, growled, "Yami! Shut it off!"

"So be proud to be outta ya head--"

"I said turn that satanic stuff off!"

"And outta your mind--"

_"Now!__ Do it! Do it before I take that cord and use it like a noose on you--"_

"One more time! Loud as ya can! How does it go--"

_"LIKE THIS!" _yelled the darker side of a once gentle and passive boy. With powerful emotion finally overriding his good judgment, the young male tore the speakers from his friend's head, confiscated the CD player, then quickly shoved the electronic into his jacket pocket. Turning to face his comrade (who appeared to be torn between crying or wetting himself), the angel of justice glowered darkly, almost daring his alter-ego to make one more false move. _"What's wrong with _you_?" _snarled Yugi, his canine fangs bared in such a terrible manner that he looked like a vampire lusting for blood. 

"You're going to kill me now, aren't you?" asked Yami tremulously. His eyes looked so big and scary that tears might gush from his ruby depths at any minute.

"Do you _want _me to?" Yugi shot back, his tone still laced with deadly poison.

Pharaoh gulped in hesitation. Nervously, he shifted his weight, mirroring a child doing the bathroom dance to catch a bored parent's attention. Words stuck uncomfortably in his throat, so all he could manage was a slight shake of his head.

Just as he had feared, the high schooler's temper flared again, this time exceeding the normal bounds of fury. _"Then why do you provoke me like this?" _cried the petite adolescent. _"Why do you do this to me? Are you _trying _to get us kicked out of here? Is that what you want, the entire town to know what a heathen you are, that you love indulging in selfish behavior that not even a rebellious teenager would act out?" _Watching the older person shake his head in useless negation, Yugi screeched, _"Then what? What could you _possibly _have to gain from being like this?" _He saw his counterparts lips move, but couldn't make out the statements. The speech was just too damned soft. Lowering his voice to a decent level, the hikari inquired, "What? What was that?"

"Nothing." the ancient soul said quickly--a little _too _quickly Yugi suspected.

"No really, what was it?"

"Just a passing thought." Yami said, trying to be cool with a trembling tone, still on the verge of making a break for the nearest church exit. With a shrug, he added, "It's nothing to get worked up over."

Yugi narrowed his eyes. "Why can't I know?"

"No reason, I guess--"

"Then tell me."

"You don't want to know."

"Don't be such a child!" scolded the aspiring duelist, crossing his arms in front of his chest huffily.

Making a terrible face, the other male snapped, "I am _not _like that!"

"So what do you call what you're being now? Brave? Noble? Honest--"

"Exactly." the Egyptian smiled. Clapping his hands together enthusiastically, he remarked, "It's like you read my mind! I know I'm a great role model and all--"

"Yeah, about as good as Eminem is on a good day."

Pharaoh gave his hikari a puzzled look. "Eminem doesn't really have any g--" Finally understanding Yugi's sarcasm laced phrase, he hung his head. "Oh," he said with a nod, "oh, okay. I get it now."

"Took you long enough!" snapped the shorter male. "I thought the apocalypse would come before anything got through that thick skull of yours!"

"Whoa." Yami countered, pushing the flats of his palms towards his insulting partner. "Whoa, whoa, _whoa_. That's going too far, don't you think?"

Drawing his brow down, the little aibou set his lips in a thin, straight line, then shot back, "I'm re-evaluating what that is on a minute-by-minute basis with you here."

"Wha--? How could you say something like that?"

"I tend to come up with these things when I am subjected to large amounts of stupidity and immaturity."

"Take that back!" cried the alter-ego in a childish whine.

"No!" his counterpart threw back fiercely, his eyes turning into twin volcanoes. 

"Take that _back!" demanded Yugioh again, this time adding a brisk shove to emphasize his command._

"Like I said--" the younger male growled, "_no!" Driving his point home, he returned his partner's violence, placing both hands on the Egyptian's side then delivering a harsh blow. _

"Take it back, take it back, _take__ it back!" _

"_No, no, NO_!"

"You _can_, and you _WILL_!"

"NO, NO, NO, NO!!!"

It wasn't very long before Yami drew his Christian sidekick into a messy fight of both words _and_ physical aggression. There, in front of the whole congregation, including the nuns, choir, elderly, AND ministers battled two teenagers—the duo resembling people ages fifteen and twenty going on six. Even Ryou and Bakura ceased their usual argument, mouths gaping, eyes open as wide as the collection plates, barely able to understand that Pharaoh and his hikari were brawling it out worse than _they were. Their juvenile phrases evolved into full-blown statements of obscenities, terms that would make even a professional exotic dancer blush. The ring twins could have sworn that they saw birds streaming out from the sides of the church, pretty white doves too horrified and traumatized by what they heard to continue to bask in the presence of the Lord. _

"Oh, my God…" Ryou murmured, cheeks all flushed, hair practically standing on end.

The tomb robber smiled an evil smile. "After watching these two, can you honestly tell me one exists?"

Instead of answering the atheistic question, the adolescent asked a simple statement himself, directing his inquiry to the creator himself.

"Where is the love?" asked the boy, his emerald orbs transfixed by the sight of Yugi holding his friend's head under a vat of holy water, "Where oh where is the love?"


End file.
